Talking about death with children
Yesterday I took Pim to the funeral of the mother of a dear friend. She has two sons Pim's age (11 and 13) and I decided to bring him along so that he could offer support to his friends. Even though he had once been to a funeral before, I don't think he quite knew what to expect now that he is a bit older. To see our friends (and their friends and family) so full of sadness, and to see me so sad as well, was quite overwhelming for him.
After the ceremony we went to the house of that friend's mum for a little while. Before long the boys were happily playing with Lego again and chatting about the newest Marvell film. I think it was good for Pim to experience that grief and happiness go hand in hand. That deep and sad emotions do not overtake everything, but that there is also place for lightness and laughter.
My own childhood was quite sheltered. My grandfather passed away but I didn't really understand what was going on. I remember our dog, she was dying, and I didn't know how to deal with the volcano of emotions inside of me. Ignoring the situation, I remember staring at the television without even noticing it. I was afraid of that boiling volcano, which would surely erupt if I went to my dog for a cuddle; if I even looked at her.
I never really learned how to deal with death until later in life, when I lost my grandmothers and not much later my own mother. It was very hard for me as I was unprepared -- I still didn't know how to manage that volcano of emotions, how to give these passings a place.
Grieve with perspective
Over the years we experienced more loss. Bibian, a close friend (and a mother of three little children) died. The sudden illness and death of Ava's little friend Laurens. Our sweet friend and neighbour Gideon, also a young father, who passed away... I slowly learned how to deal with loss a little bit better, how to give my emotions a place... How to say farewell and to accept death as part of our lives and our loves.
I learned that grief and loss will not always remain so raw and overwhelming and unmanageable as they first appear. That although they will always stay with us... Deep inside of us, that life goes on... That there will be other experiences to balance out the sadness. Happy days, love and laughter, silliness and sunshine. The loss will not go away, it won't even become smaller or less important. But the rest of our experiences will grow and get bigger. And it will allow us to remember fondly and grieve with perspective.
Talking about death with children
I wanted to prepare our children for the losses in life a little bit better than I had been. So we haven't shielded them from sickness and death. We have been honest to them. (Obviously within their realm of understanding and being careful not to make them afraid or insecure.) We've brought them to funerals when appropriate. We have let them experience how death is so very difficult and hard... But that at the same time, it brings people closer together. That it makes us love and live harder. I think this is a valuable life lesson and one that we shouldn't be afraid to carefully start teaching our children at a young age.
Feel free to share your experiences and thoughts below. How do you feel about talking about death with children? I know this is not your everyday kind of post, but loss is very much a part of life...
Thank you,
xxx Esther
PS-- posts about Bibian, the blanket we made for Laurens, and the death of my mother.