At what age do you give your children a mobile phone?
We live in an interesting age. Technology is developing with the speed of light and a life without mobile devices has simply become unthinkable. I find this such a strange phenomenon, especially given the fact that it's not even that long ago since we didn't even have wireless communication! (I think my dad, because his work as a vet, was one of the firsts with a car phone in our village -- it was in the late 80s and the device was gigantic! Before that, he always carried a beeper with him and whenever there was an emergency, he had to find the nearest landline and call my mum who would then give him all of the details. Which, of course, he would write down in the book he always kept next to him in the car.)
Because (mobile) technology is so new to us, because it's constantly developing and because most of us only started using it as an adolescent or young adult, we don't have a precedent of how to raise our children with it. We simply do not have the wisdom of a collective memory, formed over the span of generations, to use when we define the framework into which we allow our children to manoeuvre.
At what age do you give your children a mobile phone? How should they use it? Do we limit the time we give it to them, and if so, how do we do that? So many questions, so little answers.
Social Media is obviously another big beast. It’s the love and the scare of many of us. We feel inspired and empowered by it one moment, only to feel inadequate and frustrated the next. We feel the pull of it, only to feel the aversion at the same time. An online community makes us feel supported, only to feel more lonely and insecure as we've ever felt. If WE feel these emotions, as adults, how on earth are we supposed to guide our children through the rocky waters of social media?
How do we answer the questions that arise while raising children, teenagers, in this age of mobile communication? How do we define the rules without common experience or precedence?
We try, we test, we mould. We shape and reshape our parenting. When we make a mistake, we adjust and we try again. We talk, we read and we listen to other parents as we figure out what works best for our own family, set in our own culture and community.
And so do Tamar and I. Two of our children now have a mobile phone (Sara has had one for nearly three years now and Pim for about a year), so we had to set our own rules as well. And as we continue to learn and adjust, I thought it would be useful to share the boundaries we have set as a family. Which have worked well for us! Despite having a phone, our children still play, they still read, they still get dirty, they still are children!
But I would love to learn from you as well. Please share your thoughts, experiences and rules too!
At what age do you give your children a mobile phone?
Our kids get a mobile phone after they have turned 11. We don’t make a big deal out of it and we don’t treat it as a present (we do not give it as a present for their birthday, for example). We just give it to them, at an undefined moment, as an indication that now we think they are big enough to start the learning curve of how to deal with the responsibilities that come with owning a mobile phone.
In the Netherlands, children from around the age 11 (and older) commonly cycle to after-school classes by themselves (alone, or with friends or team members). Tamar and I feel that the moment we are trusting our children with the responsibility of finding their own way around town and navigating the busy Amsterdam traffic entirely by themselves, it is a good moment to trust them with a mobile phone as well.
Another reason is the fact that WhatsApp groups are commonly used in the Netherlands for practical communication with teachers and team members in sports, dance and music classes. When children are older than 11, parents are not even a member of these groups anymore! So if, for example, a class is canceled, it is directly communicated to the children using WhatsApp.
When secondary school starts (typically at the age of 12), children are simply assumed to have a mobile phone. Secondary school teachers use online systems to share homework and grades and class mentors share information with their student via class WhatsApp groups.
All in all, the age of 11 seemed like a fitting age for us to start giving our children access to a mobile phone. (By this time, the children are super excited to finally be able to join their class chat group! The biggest chunk of Dutch children get WhatsApp access way before our kids do, so they are usually amongst the last to join the group. Not that we feel that matters — I just want to point out that peer pressure, for us, is not the reason to give our children a mobile phone.)
Initially, we just put a very low prepaid card on the phone and they have no access to broadband. They are not allowed to take their phone out off the house (not to school, not to playdates etc). They can only take it with them when they cycle to classes that take place a bit further from home (horse riding, for example, is a 25 minutes cycle away from our home).
Do you allow your children on Social Media?
We allow a few social apps on their phones. Besides WhatsApp, Sara and Pim have the Pinterest and the Instagram apps on their phones. Sara likes to use Pinterest for inspiration for her bullet journal (she loves hand lettering, creating collages, etc). On Instagram they mostly like to follow their friends and me (and some of my friends). Their accounts are private and they both know that they are only supposed to place content that I approve of. (I don’t approve of stupid selfies or irrelevant, popular content, for example!) They both rarely post anything, and if they do it's usually a sweet family photos or a cute photo of their baby brother :). I follow both of them (and a lot of their friends, too!) -- it's quite sweet, really. I see or feel no danger here, and trust my instincts.
Which apps are they allowed to use?
Besides the prementioned apps, Sara uses a banking app and a guitar tuning app. They both use Sonos and Spotify to listen to music. Pim has the app Shazam, which he finds amusing, and an app he uses with his GoPro camera. That's it! When they want a new app, Tamar has to approve it on his phone, so we are very much in charge of this.
What sort of rules do you have in place with regards to mobile phone use?
No games! Our children do not play Minecraft, Fortnite or Pokemon. They also do not use educational apps (which, to us, are a bit like games in disguise).
They are not allowed to take their phones upstairs (to their bedrooms). Phones stay downstairs in the living room. (If Sara has to check the school system, she can do so downstairs and write it down for homework etc.) This rule, BTW, also counts for friends that visit. Their phones stay in the living room too! (Of course every rule has its exception, and if Sara has a friend over and they ask if they can bring their phone upstairs for a bit, I don’t mind too much.)
Absolutely no phones at the table during meal times.
No extensive periods of time on the phone. In general, I find it ok for them to use their phones briefly for relevant communications. And to keep in touch with their friends in a respectful way. To listen to music or check their Social Media every now and then. We don’t have time restrictions set in place, but it’s easy to monitor the time they spend on their phones because the phone is always downstairs with us. In general, I don't see them on their phone too often (and they ask before using it), so I'm pretty relaxed about it.
If they break or loose their phone (and its accessories) there are consequences. For example, they may have to (help) pay for the repair. They have to learn the value of a mobile phone!
They have to be respectful in their communications and display correct behaviour. I expect them to be aware of group pressure and recognise negative behaviour. They should raise the red flag if they feel there is something unpleasant going on.
How do you check all of this?
We know their passwords and check their phones! I occasionally check their messages, WhatsApp groups, etc. When I see them on their phones, I ask what they are doing. When I feel they spend too much time on it, I simply take their phones away from them for a few days. I feel it's important to always keep the parental authority and control -- for the time being at least.
What is your general screen policy?
We don't have iPads, and the children do not use computers unless for (very occasional) school work. We only watch TV (or a film) on Friday night, and we make it FUN! It is the one evening a week where we don’t eat together at the table: we put snacks on the coffee table, the kids can each choose one fizzy drink (cola is popular!), we have popcorn etc. We all LOVE our Friday evenings all cozied up on the sofa. These evening have become so popular that most evenings we have friends joining us! These evenings are really about connection, and it's great.
OK, this has become a long post and I do apologise for that! As I said before, please do share your thoughts and experiences, so we can learn from each other! At what age do you give your children a mobile phone? Other thoughts? I'm really curious what you have to say...
xxx Esther
PS Clothing allowance, when, and how much to give your teenagers?